Am I running or am I searching?

We are all searching or hiding. It’s sometimes hard to tell the difference between the two. I’m not sure that I know for myself. I would like to think that I am searching, but inevitably time will tell me where I stand.

There is one thing, well, one person I am searching for. I know I ask for a lot in this life so I am aware that this will not be easy. I also am told I should be searching for my purpose. My passion. And if I am to be honest about all of that advice, I would like to say that my purpose in this world is to be in love with people. I just happen to constantly find myself alone.

I go out into the world every single day hoping that I will fall in love. That I will find someone who sees me. Someone that I can also see.

When I say ‘See,’ I mean that with intention. I want to see someone completely. I want to get to the point where I see inside of them. I want to be able to crawl into your thoughts and your aspirations. I want to feel your pain and to feel your sorrow. I want to taste your excitement and your passions. I want to drink down your dreams. I want to be one with you. I want to share myself in the same way.

When I wake up at two in the afternoon I would rather wake up at sunrise with you. I wish sometimes that I didn’t feel so much all at once. That I could shut it out and know that I am going to be okay being alone.

If the time comes where I do find that person, I know that I am worried about letting them down. That I won’t be able to meet their expectations. I only say this because I have smelted, molded, sauldered, hammered, and crunched a public persona of the person I wish I was. A happy, always positive, always hopeful, always dreaming, always okay, human being. I think I have made the mask so well that if the day comes where I take that off in front of someone, they will run.

Who I am is entirely hidden from the people who are around me. I’m worried that I have created my own personal demon in the form of a happy human being. It’s a burden to constantly pretend that everything is going to be okay. That I am okay. Because, I’m not. I’m scared of myself on a daily basis. Will I care enough to survive this day? Will I allow myself the time and effort to stay?

So when I say that I am searching for someone, I know that I am searching for someone who wears the same mask as me. Someone who holds a public persona and can also accept a person for what they feel when the lights go out at night. When the pitter patter of rain on the windows cracks open the emotions we’ve long since ignored begin make their way into the pillows cases that we will so cry into without reason. To meet someone who is honest with their emotions is what I dream of. I want you to feel your pain in front of me. I want to feel mine in front of you. I want your excitement to spark my flame. I want your hopes to claim real estate in my dreams. I want to spend the rest of my life with you. In the most fucked up and bare-skinned way that we possibly can.

I hope to meet you some day. I already know that I love you with all that I am. If I die alone, I know that you exist somewhere and that you are struggling as much and even more than me.


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