Letting yourself love.

When it comes to love and relationships I have never been terribly great at communicating or being tender. Once in a while I can surprise myself, but not too often. Recently I have been living off of my own surprises everyday.

I’ve been fighting, kicking, screaming, soothing, listening, and flying all over the place to try and get a woman to know how much I love and adore her. All the while I have also been having to hear how awful her current partner is. To watch her lose some of the spunk and spark of her personality and her confidence.

Somehow I have had the patience and the silent courage to stop speaking out about her choice in man. (I know what I am doing now completely contradicts that… I’m okay with that.)

It’s difficult to watch someone that you love be with someone who seems to destroy their soul. As a friend I am concerned. I can’t let that slow my life down as difficult as that may be. My love and concern for her has slowed me down because I have wanted her so badly for so long. I just can’t sit and watch and hear it anymore.

For the last year and a half I have kept my heart saved for the moment when she would realize that I am the one for her. I don’t know if I have the time and effort in me to keep my love from those who may want to share it with me. Maybe even excitedly at that!

For the first time in a long time I have given myself the chance to look at someone with the light in my chest flashing the words, “Open!” “Vacancy!”

I have a weakness for a woman who is strong spirited with a rough past and brightness in their eyes. Someone who would give me the chance to take care of them. A couple of studs on their vest and patches on their pants. I’ll never grow out of it. I’m addicted to the ones who have a strong political stance and emotional stamina. I guess that’s what a lot of us are looking for.

I feel as though I am renewing a lease on my wherewithal to love again.

I just don’t find that I have the time or the energy to play mind games with anyone anymore. I live by the ocean now and I am doing well for myself. If this woman were to ‘take me back’ I don’t know that I wouldn’t be resentful of not wanting to be around during my tough times.

It was my decision to place myself within my own personal hell. I acknowledge that. Being with someone who needs a certain amount loneliness and solitude can be difficult to navigate.  It was intentional. It was for me to grow. To be inside my own head. I never wanted to be Alone though.

Now that I have fought my battles, stared at my demons, and made amends with family members I resented my entire life, I am a stronger man. I feel as though I can care more deeply, listen more intently, and love with an intensity and understanding that I didn’t know existed before.

Not being able to care for someone becomes tiresome to me. I have more to offer than I have ever given myself credit for. Even if that is simply holding someone else while they fight their past and present. To be a part of someones growth into the person they have always wanted to be.

I’ve forgotten what it’s like to have a crush on someone. What it’s like to be excited to see someone and learn who they are. What it’s like to have that secret tucked away. The feeling of bashfulness you get when you are standing in front of someone you find to be absolutely beautiful. I’ve Completely forgetting how to flirt and to make moves. It’s nearly foreign territory to me now.

I never thought I could swoon anyone. That anything I said could change someones mind. That I would be able to melt someones heart with a few words. Now I’m excited at any chance that I get to do so.

Mostly I am excited knowing that I am able to let go of my restraints and let myself follow what my heart wants most. Which is to make someone happy and in turn create that happiness for myself.

It’s time to get out there.


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