The freedom and fear of unrestrained daydreaming.

I have procrastinated and daydreamed my entire life and it gets exhausting. Not in the way that it may make you weary and tired, but more along the lines of, “Where and when do I start making moves towards the life I want to lead. This is starting to feel like a mental endurance taste.”

It’s endlessly daunting and intimidating. They say to jump right in and then people recommend that  you to think more about how this will pan out in the long term. I don’t look at things as long term though. Well if that isn’t one of those stress addled dichotomy’s, I don’t know what is.

For the first time in my life I have freed myself from the opinions of others. I most certainly have not perfected it, but I have a large portion of the grunt work out of the way. You don’t like what I am doing? It seems that only one of us really has a problem here. It’s definitely not me though. That took a long time to accept and understand.

Don’t get my wrong, no one has really ever held me back. I have only confided in other people and used them as an excuse as to why I haven’t decided to do something. I find the doubt of others as an excuse to stop myself. On certain occasions it’s because my decision may actually affect someone emotionally. Even then, I flew 3,000 miles away from someone I loved. I guess I like to think that I take other peoples emotions into consideration on my quest. Note: It’s starkly obvious that I am somewhat heartless when it comes to my ambitions.

It’s selfish to follow someone else’s dreams.
I know that phrase sounds a little confusing. Even to me as I think it. What it comes down to is the actual word ‘Selfishness’ and what I associate it with. People acting out of love for the people around them, creating a self-contained world, pushing people away. I believe that when you follow someone else’s words and goals that you are only being inauthentic to yourself and creating a world that will eventually crumble around you. It’s selfish to not be yourself and follow your heart.

I’m 25 years old and on the brinks of becoming someone in their ‘mid to Late twenties.’ No degree, a spotty resume, and a vague idea of what I would like to do to positively affect the world.  What have I been doing?

I’m single on top of all of that. I have no one else’s heart on the line if I want to move to Fiji, or if I think I should go to school to be a welder, or if I want to farm on a remote plot of land anywhere in the world. The only conversation I need to have is one with myself. “Dusty, do you want to do this?” “Well, I don’t see why I shouldn’t…” “Go do that thing then!”

End of conversation. Fucking terrifying. I am fully responsible for my decisions now.

I don’t know if and when I will ever get to the point where I am going to settle down into the construct of a marriage, or if I will ever be okay thinking about it again. I do know now that there is so much going on in this world now that I am not scared to open my eyes and let my mind wander.

It took a lot hard work to allow myself to accept my imperfections, my flaws, and my weird and awkward demeanor. Now that I am here though, I am making damn sure that I own all of those traits. Those are Mine! I’m going to use them to my full advantage. All while giving you the strange handshake/knuckle bump combination alongside the half high-five/hug combo too!

With all of that confidence boasting me and making me feel like I am going to run to my goals, stride through my victories, and trip through the rest of my life at my own whim, I am constantly missing moments when I need humbling and loving conversation about what the hell I am doing.

Having this open ended banter with someone who knows me, is something that has allowed me to make difficult transitions with a little more ease. On days like today I am wishing I could sit down and have one of those conversations. I’m simultaneously scared and excited for what could happen next in my life.

When I have these conversations with myself, they sometimes get daunting. Especially  when dealing with my future. I can’t find anything to calm my nerves and see the whole picture clearly. I’m catching glimpses of what is happening right now and what my next steps could be. I completely understand the safety of wanting to live in one place finally.

I love my friends I have made over the last year or so, as well as the long time heroic friends I have had for many years, and my family is all so close to me. Coming home to a beautiful apartment on the east side with a roommate who bakes for us and sometimes buys me pedialyte icee pops for when she knows I am going to have a really bad hang over. I mean I seriously have one of the best roommates I could have asked for right now. Which is something I take into consideration.

I wonder if I will ever be ready to leave again. With prospects on the horizon and within grasp I start to fear that I may be making poor decisions with my life. I also realize that sometimes a decision is only that. It’s neither negative nor positive but in itself a vacuous entity. Sometimes I just need to simply make a decision because in either direction there will be elements of a life I will love in it and elements of a life I fear within it.

In all honesty, I should probably be handwriting this in my journal. Tucked away from public eyes, but I think that more than just myself goes through the throes of anxiety when placed in the position of transitional changes.

There are no answers here for any of these qualms. I have maybe even less to offer than when you started but more for you to worry about and question as things become more and more difficult. Questions are the key to success, or something like that…Right?


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