I’ve never been able to make the decision to pull a plug at the right time, or if I should even be near the outlet at all in the first place. Jobs, relationships, bags of chips, online pizza deliveries. Everything. I don’t know when to stop. I will take all the abuse I can handle, until I have zero tolerance. Then impulses happen.
Over the last year and a half of being without a level headed human making sure that I wasn’t completely fucking my life up, I have come to completely fuck my life up and repair it from the ground up as best as I could.
There are moments and times in the middle of the night when I want to wake someone up to ask them their opinion on a major life decision I want to make. What ends up happening is I will turn now to myself for opinions. If track record and statistics prove correct, I tend to make decision that only tear my life apart. I guess I am a phoenix in that way. I am constantly rebuilding from the ashes of my mistakes.
As I am on the verge of changing my life discourse yet again I find myself excited, angry, distraught, hopeful, and genuinely confused. Lost is a great word, but not accurate enough. I feel as though I am lost but I know where I am trying to get to. I know the general direction of where I am supposed to be. I also happen to be walking in the exact opposite direction at times.
I see everything short term. Where is my next meal? Will I be able to afford rent? Did I really mean what I just said? Will I be able to take that back at any point? How have I survived like this for 26 years? Man, is this ever going to have any semblance of order? Did I just tell my boss that, “I’m fucking out of here.”? What the hell am I doing? I should probably brush my teeth and take a shower and hope for the best tomorrow. Dusty, do not lose your shit tomorrow. Fuck it, go ahead. You have never been to Tennessee or New Orleans. You’ve been meaning to get back to Montana and see your old neighborhood for 15 years now. You already met your soul mate and walked away, you might as well enjoy the rest of this chaotic life with strangers. You’ll be fine.
If ANY of you follow that train of though, I am so deeply sorry for the stress you cause yourself on a minute to minute basis. Hopefully it comes in as one loud scream and then is muted for a long period of time. If you happen to be like me though, these thoughts don’t go away. It’s a stream of constant persuasion. I am sure my religious friends are telling me that this is the devil speaking, but god damn if it doesn’t sound like a good time.
Constantly I want to pull the plug on where I currently am standing. I want to quit my job. I want to quit paying rent. I want to quit doing what I don’t believe in. I want to quit the white noise of middle class life. It’s all white noise when you are working just to get by.
I told a friend of mine when I came back to Rochester, New York that I would try and give myself a year to be a formal adult. It’s been 3 months and I already see that this relationship with ‘Growing Up’ isn’t really going to work out. I enjoy playing too much. I realize that this is a problem now.
Taking any part of this life to seriously immediately becomes a joke to me. I don’t find anything serious enough to waste my ambitions on.
On top of everything else, when I am treated unfairly and unkindly I notice that it’s the time to pull the plug. To cut off that connection. It has taken me a long time to believe that I am valuable as a human being and as an employee. I won’t stand for someone, boss/owner/CEO/or any of those other titles that we place on other human beings. At the end of everyday, whoever that person is, that is just a guy or a gal or anything ranging between.
No one deserves to be treated without respect.