I smell like old cigarettes, wearing someone else’s clothes, wrapped up in two Mexican blankets, and I can hear the pattering steps coming from the waking couple in the room next to me. It’s New Years morning and I am not sure if I am in a movie about a 60’s rock and roll group, or I am dreaming. There are beer cans, bottles, champagne glasses, books, vinyl, and ashtrays in disarray all about the room. A sight I always enjoy seeing.
I can tell by the throbbing of my head and the energy of Jillian that I am surely more hung-over than she is. She is already answering phone calls about opening up the pizza shop she manages and making jokes to Marky as I dumbly sit upright and light a cigarette. Marky pours 3 glasses of champagne, “Happy New Years mother fucker.” Clink. I already know I am going to need more alcohol to get my head on straight. Also, how am I getting to Brockport?
I tend to go into the day with a head full of an unexplained excitement starting in the morning and lingering off by about 9 pm. With the idea of being alone for another year I slip right passed the exciting and positive happenings from my entire year. I am still alone and my ex is on a vacation with her new boyfriend. I try to keep myself present. That’s what my friends and family keep throwing in my face. I do the best that I can, but I am clearly not drunk enough to try and only take in the moments I am walking in.
Be present, be aware of the moment, enjoy what is going on around you. This is a New Year for Christ’s sake! Who knows what is going to happen in the next 12 months? I only know that if it resembles the majority of what happened in the last 12 months, I would like to skip the next New Years Eve party for maybe an electric bill being paid. Preferably I would rather simply be with my ex-fiancee and working out the cacophony of shit that we have accumulated over the last year instead of caking my problems with the bodies of other woman.
My muddled lifestyle and bumbling demeanor leaves me mostly jobless and trying to walk away from opportunities. I’ll never be able to explain those instincts except the serious fear of actually doing something with my life. This year should be different though. Getting through my past should work a little better if I am not entirely drunk through the whole process. I have learned that going through all of these problems I have created has allowed me to inspect my life very critically. Some claim that it is a little too closely examined.
I guess the first sign of this New Year is a prospective one. So long as I don’t decide to give up on it. Although I love waking up in the rock and roll lifestyle. Which is already tempting because it’s only 10 degrees outside and I am taking a bus to my first day of college classes. I’m holding out for the warm weather though. I think it will reach 13 degrees by mid afternoon. We can celebrate that after my classes tonight.
With the New Year now in swing and the gyms filled with overweight alcoholics, I will also try to be a part of the masses in making a new life decision. Mine is more non-committal than most of the population though. I will stop eating shitty food, until my stomach starts to feel normal again. I will further my education and find a job, and hopefully it doesn’t suck the little life in me that I have. I’ll at least cut back on my drinking, unless there is a real reason to celebrate and it’s a day that ends in ‘Y’. Mostly I want this year to set flame to the past that I have already acknowledged and let me start living for a change.
I hope it does for you too.