It’s another night and I have already drunk drove to buy another 12 pack that I plan on finishing. I bought it after I realized I wasn’t drunk enough to die and not sober enough to live. In my mind there is only one option. Drink more beer.
I wish I could tell you what I did with my day that day, but I simply don’t remember it. I don’t remember much of my time spent at this point. I do remember spilling a bottle of aspirin and looking down realizing that maybe this was a sign. The amount of pills that spilled out should be enough for the job I needed done.
From the chair I was sitting in I looked down and that’s when I picked them up and calmly placed the remaining contents that were still in the bottle onto the kitchen table. I dropped down to the floor to pick up the little white disks that would help me to get home. To a place I wouldn’t have to hurt anymore. I thought, “I need to prove to myself that I am not weak. I can drink all of these down and I will finally be honest with my convictions and my threats to myself.”
I opened another beer and decided to count and organize them in a neat square so I could pass some time while I got more drunk. I’ve been here before and I know I am not drunk enough yet. I will be though. Just give it some time Dusty. A few more beers and you will not be weak. You will be able to swallow all of those and walk outside to the beach and start swimming. Hopefully far enough out that your corpse won’t swish it’s way back to ruin some poor child or families and ruin their view of the beach forever.
After about 3 more beers and empty tears while I finger around these white disks. I decided to shove all of them in my mouth. Just to hold them. Like a mother to a child. I move them around the feel them fold over each other and taste the chalky chemical flavor that most of us are familiar with.
46 little white disks dancing around on my tongue and banging on my teeth. For a moment I realize that this is it. I can finally go now. Dismissed. I won’t be tired anymore. I won’t miss anyone anymore. I won’t have to worry about the failure that I feel I am everyday I wake up. I can lie down and stay down.
I think about my friend Ryan first. I hope he won’t be crushed. I hope he understands that this wasn’t directed at him. This is all me. I would never want to hurt my best friend. He knows how it feels though, right? I hope not. If I do this and he decides to follow then I will have really had made a mistake. He lives a good life. His wife would be too young to be a widow. I wouldn’t want to hurt her either.Why do I think I can do this to their life? Fuck, I really am selfish.
What about my own family? My Nana and Papa have done nothing but great things for me. They are getting older and their family is only growing more and more happily while I am the only one not contributing to it’s inevitable growth…again. The least I could do is not shrink the family. I am already failing at the growing part, but I shouldn’t fight what they have created. Maybe I won’t get married, maybe I won’t have kids’ maybe I will never actually be happy, but I know that if I decide that my unhappiness is grounds to create sorrow in my own family, then I really am an awful person.
God-fucking-damnit. I can’t do this. I don’t want to feel guilty on the way out. I already feel that way while I am living this ride. I want to feel the peace knowing that the end of pain is moments away. I am glad I have friends and family, but this is the one time I wish I didn’t.
I spit the pills onto the table in the glob of bile and spit that has covered them. Slide them into the garbage can. I open another beer. I go to bed.
I need to change. This year I am going to change. This is the year I get a good job. At least a good enough job. I talk to a therapist again. I quit toxic habits to myself. I need to learn to love myself if I can’t kill myself. This will be a tragically long ride if I can’t do so.
Thank you to all of my friends and all of my family because somewhere in that shitty dark night you guys pulled through. I appreciate each and everyone one of you and I hope you know that if you ever get to this point you can contact me and I will help you.
I have never used it but there is also the suicide hotline (800)273-8255.