It’s not that I can’t do it. That I can’t keep up. It’s realizing how different life will be if I commit to it and stick with it. I’m scared of changing my daily habits. Changing just one of them tears my life in two. Although I don’t like waking up and having to drink Pedialyte and look at the clock from 6 in the morning until at least after noon so that I can have my first drink of the day-and not feel too guilty about it. I do want to quit drinking.
I want to lead a healthy and hopeful life. Simply, I want to lead a life that doesn’t involve wasting money on ways that abuse and deteriorate my mental stability. My life hasn’t completely fallen apart yet. I always believed that change happened for me when my life would slip out of my own hands. I would Need to change. Lately it seems like if I keep doing that, it may actually never get back into my hands. I need to make a decision soon.
Living with wanderlust, depression, and anxiety leaves me with the overwhelming urge to lead a well-traveled life. The problem is that once I get to a new city and state I quickly realize I am afraid to meet locals and I want to hide in a room and blame myself for being weak. Then drink because it will make me social, which is absolutely Never the case. I will drink another case of beer though.
It’s a very flawed plan and outlook on life. I don’t know how to re-mediate it besides learning to not hide and drink. The next day repercussions are changing everyday now. It used to be a headache in the morning with a dry mouth and burning stomach needing greasy food. Lately it has been all of those plus my legs cramp up, I am actually still drunk from the night before, and my old injuries from skateboarding are resurfacing. I don’t usually remember the last 2-3 hours of any given night so my injuries may actually be injuries. I wouldn’t really be able to tell you.
I have noticed very apparent changes when I stop drinking. I start to actively try to get my life together. My physical health, my finances, and my relationship with myself and the people around me. Instead of drunk calls of longing and loneliness I start to make calls to see how people are doing, “Hey do you want to go get breakfast with me?” Normal human-being stuff.
It feels so good to feel so terribly bad though. I feel like I would be cheating at my own life if I actually started to care about myself and forgive myself of actions that I didn’t really feel I had much control over. Plus I wouldn’t wake up to notifications and text messages that I don’t remember sending every morning/afternoon. I would actually remember eating that pizza I ordered and watching that movie I put on.
What I am most worried about is that I will lose a considerable amount of friends. Few of them will want to go hike, take the yoga classes I am embarrassed to do by myself, and be okay with me leaving early to go to bed early. I know I will have people leave my life because I will want to avoid drinking while I get a grasp on my limits. I don’t know how this goes. I just know that if alcohol is available I want to drink all of it and then ruin my night, along with everyone else’s. If I am going down I am taking you all with me! Ha!
This happens about every 3 months. I talk about quitting. I want so badly to get out of the hole I placed myself in. I never do anything. I’m only 25, alcoholism doesn’t happen when someone is 25! I’m just living, right? I usually stop long enough to get my liver to catch up with my lifestyle and then toss whole bottles of whiskey, and recently gin, right back down my gullet.
I have a lot to mull over this New Year. I might even check out the AA thing. Just to see what it’s all about and if I would be able to get past the whole God/Higher Being thing that I don’t care for. There is a hopeful part of me that is says that I can learn how to recreationally drink. Also that if I get to a good point in my life, will I decide that sobriety was a bad idea? How do you celebrate?!
It’s not hard for anyone to see that losing friends is a large part of being sober. Many people don’t quit simply because they wouldn’t have their other barfly friends to hang out with. It’s a terribly large part of my decision making process. I don’t see a lot of friends as it stands presently, I would hate to see less of them. I would want them to support my decisions and to understand. I know that chastisement can follow a decision like this. Or any really.
My last big issue with actually taking the plunge into standing in a room full of strangers and saying, “Hello. My name is Dusty and I am an alcoholic,” is that I would actually need to face my personal problems directly. I couldn’t look at my problems from any angle but squarely and decide to change them. It seems so simple and so practical to just do that. Maybe even a break from drinking could procure such outcomes. I have done it before, but once I get confident in my life I start to drink and slide right back down the slope to personal misery and self-abuse.
Growing up around the folks who involve themselves in the AA community are very hard to be around sometimes. I have only met 1, maybe 2, people from AA that didn’t seem like walking quotes from the little blue book. Or is it the little red book? I can never remember. I don’t want to become presently vacant. I feel bad for people who are. If I was going to do that I would just keep drinking. At least being vacant and drunk can create stories for the future. Being vacant and boring is not something that is becoming of me.
With New Year’s resolutions coming in soon I suppose I could use that time to make the same decision a few million people are going to. I will quit drinking this year and actually get my life on track. It’s clichéd and I did it last year for a month and shortly started drinking again. I got a great paying job, got into an apartment, had recurring panic attacks, stopped showing up for work and locked myself into my studio apartment with my cheap beer.
Maybe this year will be different. Maybe I will actually stick through with it. Check out the meetings. Take God out of my sobriety and still live a fulfilling life. Maybe I will go to the liquor store and get another bottle of Old Crow. I would like to choose to succeed in this life finally though. Even if that victory is working a low end job and going camping on the weekends alone. It seems healthier and happier to do that than to drink with large amounts of people and feel more alone than actually being by myself.