Becoming a stable adult is hard. Sometimes it seems impossibly hard. For me, right now, it barely seems like it will ever happen. I live at my fathers house, I have a 1 month job at UPS, and a very short term plan for my future. I ended up here because I decided to leave support and love from someone who cared the entire world for me. Don’t make the mistake I made if you don’t have to. Here the 5 ways I realized I was losing out when I left her. I promise there is a happy ending to this though.
1. An unparalleled belief system.
If you have ever been in a truly loving relationship you actually realize your true potential. You see it through their eyes. When your lover talks to you about your hopes and dreams they actually seem and become tangible. She was able to show me what it is to have potential and make the appropriate steps to get there. Having someone believe in you with such intensity is like speaking with the future you. Who would ever want to leave that? If you have this quality in a lover, a friend, a family member, a co-worker, or a mentor, you need to keep this person in your life and spend real time with them. They are essential for your vision. When they aren’t there, the vision becomes more of a blurry dream from 3 weeks ago that you vaguely remember having.
2. A prospective future plan
This was one of my favorite parts of this. Even though I fought the idea of marriage and a life long commitment, it was one of the reasons I was confident in my day to day life and work. I knew that I was working towards a goal and a future that I was very much involved in with someone else. Having a wedding in the conversation changes you as a person. It makes you hopeful for the next step in life. The hard days at work are simply just days at work, because they actually aren’t as hard as they used to be. With the future in the cross hairs, the present doesn’t seem as destructive and invasive. If you are having a hard time with your fiancee, remember where you will be in the future. Problems will not disappear miraculously, but the problems will actually be problems. Things that the both of you can work on together. Growing together.
3. Escape from loneliness
This is the hardest part to adjust to. I did not realize how much I loved just having my ex around the house. Even when we were upset at each other. Subconsciously I was grateful to have someone in close proximity. If an idea came to my mind I was able to immediately talk to someone who understood me. We could hold each other in silence when life became confusing and scary. It is maybe a little selfish but I loved just having someone to hold space with. Another situation where you realize how terrifying life is and how much it feels like it is attacking you with a full army in every corner of the room. Silence is not peaceful. I know it is a cliche, but the silence of loneliness can make my ears bleed. My heart shrivel. My anxieties become me. When you have someone who understands how lonely you are, you have someone who cares for your heart more tenderly than a mother and her daughter. Or son.
4. Mutual Friends
I absolutely adored my ex’s friends. I was constantly being introduced to someone new. Everyday. My friend circle tripled in the first week that I started really spending all of my time with her. Multiply that by 3 years, and that is more friends that I have accumulated by myself in 25 years. I was able to reap the benefits of having her loving successful connections all through our time together. Then I left. When I left I didn’t just leave her. I left all of the friends she had introduced me to. People chose sides even if they aren’t aware of it. There is the beautiful few who can listen to both sides of a story and still hold compassion for both people. Over all it is a good guy bad guy thing. It feels messy. It is messy. Luckily the friends I have had for the last 10 years or more are some of the best people alive. I would never say that I don’t have friends. But when you have both of each others friends with the both of you, life seems more tangible and possible.
5. Love and Intimacy
Sex. Cuddling. Holding hands. Walking. Footsie. Fingers through the hair. Petting. These are the moments that don’t ever need words. (Although a couple of them are much more fun with some words!) Waking up to someone and just being awake holding each other eases the heart. It fosters a connection that can’t be replicated with words or with paint. This is what art is constantly trying to recreate. The intimacy of life. Even if that intimacy is painful. It is a sensation in itself. When you are walking with someone side by side it is a great walk. When you hold hands with someone on a walk, it’s sometimes a life changing experience. I loved that El’s hands fit so perfectly in mine. Our bodies felt like they were molded to fit perfectly for each other. The deep connection we created through our bodies is something that will never be recreated again. It is totally unique in itself. When you meet the other half of your soul…Do Not F*** It Up. You may never feel that love and intimacy ever again. It is so special and dear to me. It is also terribly painful to remember that it may never happen again.
In conclusion, life doesn’t end with your relationship. It is a new way to start a completely different life with the experiences you learned from what had happened. It’s a chance to change who you were as a person. Hurdling over these obstacles can be detrimental to the growth. For me it has involved a lot of alcohol and Skyping with my best friend. I will make it through this hellish time. You will too if you are experiencing anything like this. My friends love me with the entire world, and I love them. My family keeps me on my feet. My friends keep my heart unwavering from the idea of my own self-failure. You will make it through this. Hold on. And then hold on more. And maybe open another bottle for the last push. It will be over shortly.